Chronic Illness Diaries ep. 1

I have a lot of posts half drafted here on my blog. I want everything to be "just right", and I want the posts in a specific order and all that jazz. So as a result I haven't posted anything in over 6 months. But I want to start this series to be a place to vent, talk about things on my mind and just write without it having to be "perfect". Then the more structured and themed posts will come in between. So yeah, welcome to the chronic illness diaries.

When I set up this blog almost a year ago I intended it to be a place to talk about mental health and my recovery and journey, then the rest of 2022 happened. Eventually, I'll talk more about what has actually been going down, but to summarise; I got really sick, was in and out of the hospital with procedures and being admitted. They found a mass and thought I might have cancer, so they did a surgery to take a biopsy. It wasn't a tumour, but in the fall I got diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. From now on I'll define it as SLE or lupus, because well, the real name is too long heh. I'm still really sick from different symptoms, both related to my lupus and to other things, so I'm constantly in the hospital for different appointments, tests and treatments.

On top of this, my mental health is currently in questionable shape, which honestly is to be expected considering the year I've had. I'm in the middle of a psych evaluation for autism, PTSD and EUPD (former known as borderline personality disorder). So, things are happening, which is nice. At the same time as all of this I am in school full-time. I have some of my practical left, but I'm not currently able to do that, so I'm actually working on my bachelor's thesis in nursing care. My thesis is about trans and gender non-conforming people's experience of interpersonal treatment in health care. Basically, how trans folks think that nurses and other healthcare professionals treat them.

I've come to the conclusion that being chronically ill is a full-time job, so I have to manage both that and school at the same time, which can be interesting. I'm currently sat in the hospital cafeteria between two appointments studying (and writing a blog post). You do what you can with what you have, I guess. I was in a therapy group earlier today, and they said that everyone always does the best they can. That's something I really need to hear from time to time. Someone else's best might be working full-time, doing chores at home and just living a "regular" life. That doesn't mean I'm not doing my best when all I do all I'm able to do one day is to get out of bed to the couch, or work on my school work for an hour in bed.

I do feel bad for not doing things that are expected of an adult, such as keeping up with cleaning, cooking and doing the dishes. Inch by inch I try to accept that I am in fact doing my best, even though someone else's best is doing more than I do. It's not easy, but I'm working on it, and I'm working on adapting my routine and my surroundings to actually be able to do these things, just not in the conventional way.

Anyways, that's all for this post. I ought to get back to my school work so I actually get it done heh...

Stay safe <3